ST. CRETIEN’S COLLEGE

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Paul Holland spoof school St. Cretien’s College fictional school St. Cretian’s imaginary Paul Holland spoof school St. Cretien’s College fictional school St. Cretian’s imaginary Paul Holland spoof school St. Cretien’s College fictional school St. Cretian’s imaginary Paul Holland spoof school St. Cretien’s College fictional school St. Cretian’s imaginary




Benjamin Austen, 1935 - 1985                Explorer of the foothills behind the East Russian city of Yakutsk. Opened up new yak-skin trading routes between Yakutsk, Okhotsk and Vladivostok. Ambushed and killed by local ferret mafia.


Fiona Bibble, 1942 –                             Leader of the arch-feminist Worthing Independence Party from 1964-68, after which she moved to the USA to join the presidential campaign trail for Richard Nixon.


Joseph “Sunny” Boyce, 1890– 1957       Little-known inventor of the first atomic bomb in 1939, a primitive, enriched-uranium device, for which he tried in vain to obtain government backing


Owen Crack, 1936– 1998                      North Norfolk bog-snorkelling champion for seven years running, 1956-62


Penelope Dawes, 1977 -                        Well-known local figure jailed in 1992 for the triple murder of her business associates. Earned the soubriquet The Spitting Vixen for her methods of putting the police off her trail.


Otto von Gaukel, 1902 – 1968              Educated between the wars at St. Cretien’s, this divisive figure became Generalfeldmarshall of the German High Command, the Wehrmachtführungsstab, during WWII: despite being on the wrong side, he counts as one of St. Cretien’s most successful alumni! Died whilst in prison in East Berlin


Sir Edmund Gower, 1853 – 1921          Founding member of the notorious Semolina Club, which rose to prominence in 1903 for publicly advocating a pre-emptive attack on Russia.


Margaret Hopes, 1935 -                         Academic and leading Oxford Theologian, whose major works include the seminal Problems of Divine Intervention within a Modern Context of Post Soviet Socialist Realities.


Orlando Hummus, 1845– 1924             Orientalist and specialist in Middle Eastern affairs, creator of the popular dip made from mashed chickpeas, olive oil and tahini, which he named orlandus, after himself


Neville Hunker, 1879– 1945                   Legendary spy during both world wars, who managed to secure details in 1918 of German revolts (during which he lost his right leg), and who was in Japan at the end of the war,       helping the Americans to pinpoint their bombing targets


Samuel Kriel, 1844 – 1907                      Assistant Secretary to the Home Secretary, Henry Bruce, 1872-73.


Salmo Lyttle, 1908– 1981                      Ballet impresario with the South Sidcup Amateur Dramatic Association of Dance; internationally renowned for his infamous hoof-step


Saviour Mandlebatt, 1936 – 1984           Inventor of the modern harness strap for automatic cow-milking machines. Recently nominated for the Queen’s Agricultural Award for Development and Innovation.


Selwyn Massmann, 1944 – 2004            Mountain climber of international repute. Most recently (July, 2004) climbed Ben Nevis dressed as a dalek, to raise money for charity. Sadly, this was to be his last climb, as he died of heat-exhaustion on the way down.


Dwenge M’Boatang, 1932 -                   Activist and eventual first President of the newly independent, but short-lived African republic of Ngongo-Banandaland in 1964. In exile since 1970, believed to be living in Kashmir.


Yvonne O’Blong, 1950 –                      Campaigner for improved rights for trees, and instrumental in preventing the destruction of Wendown Woods in 1987


Bulimer Pancras, 1898– 1973                 Under-assistant General Secretary to the Second Chief of  Auxiliary Staff during the Phoney War


Sir Brice Tylor, 1878 – 1940                 Inventor of the much-maligned Bending Bomb in WWII. Earlier awarded the Order of the Knotted Cross (Third Class) by the then Abyssinian government.


Sammy “Thwack”, 1974 -                       Currently presenting the childrens’ TV programme Splash ’n’ Dip! Head of Childrens’ Entertainment at Saltdean Lido.


Fiippo Tombola, 1892 – 1968                Author and poet. Published a number of light childrens’ classics, such as The Egg Doctor and When Tigglebacks Went To The Fairy-Cake Market. Later successes include the epic poem, The Bleakness of Death’s Dark Oblivion and Life’s Cruel Betrayal.


Earnest Wilkes, 1923 – 1990                  Composer. Works include light operas and the theme tune to the TV hit Who’s Ya Baby?  


Sidney Yowkes, 1967 –                          Aid worker in Eastern Denmark

Some Notable Old Cretians


There are too many Old Cretians, who have left the school to go on to become lasting figures in the Pantheon of the Great and the Good, to list here, but here are some of the most illustrious and infamous of our alumni!


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